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Nostalgia and all that stuff . . .

Tuesday, I do not know what got into me but I was a whirlwind. I cleaned the kitchen, my bathroom, the living room upstairs and finally my bedroom until all nooks and crannies were spotless and orderly. In the process I dug up a couple boxes of memories. At first I questioned whether I should go there . . . but the letters and pictures I found were too irresistible.

I went there.

The summer of 2005 I worked for a month at a Christian sports camp for inner city kids. I had worked their the summer before and it was one of the most difficult times in my life, but the challenges presented spurred so much Godly growth that I couldn't help but run myself through the refiners fire for a second consecutive summer. The box of letters I found were from that summer. In some respects I had a harder time the second go around than the first, but the second time I also had an amazing circle of support. Most of the old letters in my box were from an old best friend. She sent me a letter for every day that I was gone. Tuesday night I read all 30 of them.

Each new card exploded with excitement over the ways God was moving in her life. That excitement burst into encouragement as she spurred me forward toward where God was taking my life. Mostly the dialogue was about the nations, hurting people, traveling, being wild and free and chasing after Jesus, loving on people, dreaming BIG dreams, and carrying the Gospel to far reaches of the earth . . .

As I was reading and even now, as I write this, there is something within me that leaps inside my chest at the very mention of that type of life . . . full and colorful, alive and vibrant . . . painted by God . . . those letters energize me and excite me all over again, the way they did when I first read them.

But something else also happened while reading them . . . the last two years snuck up and decided to play total recall in my mind. Instantly I was tempted to be discouraged. The last two years of my life have not been so vibrant or colorful or glorifying. They have been filled with pain, bad decisions, broken relationships, emotional turmoil, fleeting pleasure, displaced dreams, and instant gratification. Nicaragua and a small group of faithful friends have been my life-saving beacon of light amidst the rocky waves of my life. I have been fighting to regain the spirit and life, joy and peace, dream and passion I once had for the name of Jesus. In March of 2008 I laid it all down, traded it all in for Jesus once again. In Nicaragua I was rebaptized. Who I have been for the last two years is not who I am.

In the end those letters served to fan a flame that had been choked to nearly extinguished. But now, is burning brightly. Energized, Centered, Excited, Focused, Giddy, Hungry, Anticipating, Dreaming . . .

I know who I am,
I have grown through where I've been,
I run in the direction in which I want to go,
I never take my eyes off Jesus.

I heard this song for the very first time today. The words spoke so deeply to me because I know it is a prayer that I had to say repeatedly over the last two years. Make this your constant prayer, and the beautiful things is, God will be faithful.

Chorus:

turn me around

pick me up

undo what i've become

bring me back to the place

of forgiveness and grace.

i need you

need your help

can't do it myself

you're the only one who can

undo what i've become.

selah.

centering me.

today i was spending way more time than i truly wanted, occupying my head with thoughts of a certain boy . . . girls don't ya hate that! haha. definitely can't live with them and can't live without them. and my mind wandered. distracted. thinking of scenarios good and bad involving him. i was over analyzing and under analyzing; tearing myself down and trying to build myself back up; dwelling on the past yet trying to dream about the future.

wandering . . .

distracted . . .

but God has this most amazing way of centering me. i was reading something i had written about him, maybe even for him one day and the phone rang . . . . "No Disponible" . . . YES! i answered, Hola!?! . . . mi familia de Nicaragua . . . sorry, my family from Nicaragua!! my lip starts to quiver every time i hear their precious voices come over the phone. i was able to talk to all three of my sisters and mi mami, my mom. there is nothing more precious than the "hello Keece" that comes over the phone when sweet 2 year old genesis is talking. or the soft, "te amo" or again the little "yo tambien" i hear when i tell her, "te extrano mucho genesis". my heart instantaneously melts.

i was able to speak to my other sisters too. Nohemi has a promotion in school this december. my heart aches to be there to see her in her little cap and gown and watch papi walk her down the aisle. she also told me she is learning how to read by reading the Bibleeveryday that i had bought for her . i told her how proud i was of her and how intelligent she is and how much i miss her to the moon and back. and then . . . silence. the phone disconnected. they ran out of minutes. these calls are never quite long enough, because i am never able to say all i want to or ask them all the questions i have concerning their well being and health and school and . . .

but God knows just what i need and these, short as they are, precious conversations are enough to center me. to bring me back down. refocus my heart. remind me what i live for everyday. keep me focused on where i am going. affirm my purpose. excite my heart. direct my steps. no boy could bring me this much excitement and contentment . . . unless his name is Jesus . . . or i guess unless he has been appointed by Jesus himself, to steal my heart! . . . but that hasn't happend yet and i am not going to hold my breath or my life, waiting for him. Jesus will just have to throw him into the mix head first!

God Calling: October 22, 2008

You are building up an unshakable faith.
Be furnishing the quiet places of your souls now.
Fill them with all that is harmonious and good,
beautiful and enduring.
Home-build in the Spirit now, and the waiting time
will be well spent.

"But you, dear friends, build yourselves up in your most holy faith and pray in the Holy Spirit.
Keep yourselves in God's love as you wait for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ to bring you to eternal life. . . . To him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy- to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore!

Amen"

Jude v. 20-21 and 24-25

words i seriously needed to hear tonight.

just writings . . .

Indinashmunceville . . .

The night we first met my tongue knotted up.
The words had escaped, my mind became blank.

Worked up the courage and squeaked some words out
I'm still unsure if they made any sense.

Next time, your hometown, eager to come down;
I only wanted to see you again.
Etching your smile, I memorized the lines

excited to learn what deepens the grooves.

You asked for my number. What could this mean?
Roll with the punches and see where it leads
My heart picked up speed with every new beep

indicative of a message from you.

Then there was that night, things started off right.
I stared at you across the crowded room.

You'd stop just to smile and my heart skipped beats.

My knees became weak when your gaze found me.

Drinks in our hands, and stories on our tongues;

being close to you was more than enough.

But then you leaned in, reality died.

With a gentle kiss, your lips had touched mine.

Passion mingled with curiosity.

Into each other, we melted away,
until sunrise ended our foolish games.

You kissed me softly then we parted ways.

A resounding gong; what was I to you?

Can something real come from our beginnings?

Will you see my soul? Or am I only

accessible when your nights are lonely?

We both barely know one another yet.
Could we start over again? Boy meets girl.
My name is . . . . , I don't think we've met.
Would you even want to spin chance on us?

Do you think of me? Cause I think of you.
Do you even see me? I want you too.
Can you find something worth seeking, keeping?
I want you to want to hold onto me.

Two Cent Whore

tempted.

I fell.
weak as hell.

hopeless against
those soft green eyes of yours.
one night's mistake;
a deadly frost
laden on
this boy. this girl.
their newly budding curiosity
withers to the ground
as shame is born
on the bright horizon.
two to tango
one to blame
i'm the two cent whore
nothing more

and you

walk away unscathed.
while this bleeding heart
spills out onto the floor.
oh Lord!

what have i done?

sin entangles
my wounded heart.

i'm caught
in the snare
of a deadly poucher.

pearls to swine.
i did not guard mine
each precious kiss
tossed away
butterflies scattered
to the wind.
never to be held
in my hand again.
only the tears
which cross my cheeks
plant themselves at my feet
water the ground
soft around me

i'm sinking in

before day's end

you'll no longer see me

Intentional Listening continued . . .

October 11, 2008

I was driving down the highway towards Apex Community Church yesterday morning. There was a Mazda 3 trying to race me down the highway. My cruise control was set so I could not be bothered, but I would pass the car then get over, then she would speed up, get neck and neck with me, then speed ahead of me, only to go back to the slower original speed, I would pass her again, then get back over and the whole scene would resume again. And one time as she was passing me I just thought to myself:

"how stupid! how stupid to put your hope in expensive cars, or monetary things"

Then the deeper thought came to mind.

"What is missing in the lives of Americans that people feel they need to fill their lives with cars or technology to feel important, accomplished."

"What hole are they filling?"

That is when God chose to strike.

"Kristen, don't you do that too?

What hole are you trying to fill by these relationships?

Is my love not enough for you?
Are you not satisfied by my love that you try to seek it out from others?"

gulp.

ok. Lord.
"seek ye first the kingdom of heaven

and His righteousness

and all these things shall be added

unto you.

October 12, 2008

so I started a new job today! God is SO good. And I was sitting there listening to this amazing, lovely, black lady- full of soul and life and energy. She was amazing. She is the type of speaker all employers need to get a crowd of new recruits jazzed about working for the company!! But she started talking about continuing education which led into a very unexpected story. She started telling about how half way through her career as nurse she felt God calling her to the ministry. So she wrote a letter to the board for continuing education. She started talking about how nursing is a calling and it is her ministry. . . and as a result MIAMI VALLEY HOSPITAL PAID FOR HER TO GO BACK TO SEMINARY!!!! at that moment it was almost audible.

"see, I can do anything! just believe me."

October 11th 2008

I think God really spoke to me tonight through my God Calling Journal.

. . . so I am just going to write what was written there.

"I will bless the Lord at all times: his praise shall continually be in my mouth.

I sought the Lord, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.
They looked unto him, and were lightened: and their faces were not ashamed."

Psalm 34: 1, 4, 5.

See, My children, that even in distress, the first tep is Praise.

Before you cry in your distress, bless the Lord;

even when troubles seem to overwhelm you.
In the greatest distress, search until you find cause for thankfulness.

Then bless and thank.

You have thus established a line of communication between yourself and Me.
Along that line let your cry of distress follow.
Thus you will find I do My part, and delieverance will be sure.

Oh! the gladness of heart.

Lightened you will be, the burden rolled away, as the result of looking to Me.
The shame and distress will be lifted too. That is always the second step.
First, right with Me, and then you will be righted too in the eyes of men.

October 10, 2008

God Calling: October 10th

I am your Helper. At the end of your present path lies blessings. So trust and know that I am leading you. Step with a firm step of confidence in Me into each unknown day.

It seems as though with each new conversation I have with someone concerning my new job at Miami Valley, God is constantly reaffirming to me that he is in control. He is leading me. He is with me every step of this new journey. The message is communicated repeatedly. I know that I can rest and step, like the passage says, with confidence in Him into each new day.

And then tonight. I was watching Sleeping Beauty with my sister (I know you're thinking how LAME on a friday night! but it was the 50th anniversary edition) and two things were said that I guess I didn't pick up on as a kid. The fairy god mothers give the prince a shield and then a sword. She calls the shield, "the shield of something" but I can't remember now (so if you know tell me!!) and then she calls the sword, "the sword of truth" and then she says, "with these tools of righteousness you will have the power to defeat evil (or the evil one) or something like that." Then when the villian, Meleficent (horrible spelling of the name) tries to stop the prince she says, "Now you'll have to deal with all the forces of Hell!!!" and she turns into a dragon. And of course we all know the ending . . . in order for her to die she is killed by the sword of truth!! The sword is his helper to defeat the evil one. In fact, without the sword he couldn't have possibly defeated the evil one. HOW REAL TO LIFE IS THAT?! I don't think it gets more real than that. THE ONLY WAY WE CAN DEFEAT EVIL IN OUR WORLD TODAY is with the SWORD OF TRUTH . . . which is what?! THE WORD!! . . . just one more way the Lord has been showing me how utterly important it is to be in his Word. Another way the Lord has shown me he is our Help. He has given us the Word but not only that His Spirit which leads us into all knowledge and understanding of his Word that we may be equipped to fight against the lies of the evil one, Diablo or Satanas as the Hispanic community would say.

amen.
selah.